Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
