Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
sex in a hospital.. check
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
