I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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