then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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