my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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