I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
