I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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