guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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