I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
