Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
