Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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