if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
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the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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