I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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