It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
