He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
