If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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