Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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