You don't have asthma, your pregnant
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
