Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
