All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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