I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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