when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
