You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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