you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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