come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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