Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He? As in you personified your dick?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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