I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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