I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
