On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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