First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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