Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
