im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize