Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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