It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
