god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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