Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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