It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize