Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
