I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
In America we eat man semen.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
