hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
