I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
