Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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