did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
