I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
