I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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