Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize