You really coming over, don't trick.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
