6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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