You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
