stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
