You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
