I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
