Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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