There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
