if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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