my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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