Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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